Colossal Calamari

Colossal Calamari
The Loc Ness Monster. Big Foot. Sasquatch. Are they nothing more than mythical beasts that are the building blocks for legends that will endure for centuries? While we're at it, let's add giant squid to the list. Perhaps not as romantic as the sight of Nellie at sunset, giant squid deserve their place in our folklore as well. Doubt their existence? Don't be a fool, because one day you may pay the price like world class sailor Olivier De Kersauson did as he sailed the ocean blue. For you non believers, I offer this account as proof of the existence of giant squid and their savage and unprovoked attacks on mankind. According to the BBC, which to some is considered to be a very reliable news source, a squid of immense proportions attacked Olivier De Kersauson as he stood steadfast at the helm of his ship. Point of clarification-even though sailboats and their operators are generally barred from this site, I think an exception is necessary in order to relate this important tale. Besides we can learn from his misfortune. Mr. Kersauson has over forty years of sailing experience so it would be hard to believe that he would misidentify the creature. Apparently this squid to beat all squids, wrapped two of it's many tentacles around the rudder. What possible motive could there be? Was it trying to adjust the course for some unknown reason? Was there a personal vendetta? Was it trying to bring the ship home to show it to momma squid? Was it sent by a crafty loan company to repossess the ship because of overdue payments? Or perhaps was it just playing as giant squid are known to do? Unfortunately in all likely hood, we will never have a definitive answer. Just imagine the sheer horror Mr. Kersauson must have felt as he saw this beast of mythical proportions rise out of the sea and attach hundreds of suction cups to his ship. What were his options? What should one do? To the best of my knowledge this subject matter has never been covered in any boater education course. Unarmed, all he could do was hope that one of those terrible suction cups didn't find it's way to his forehead. But luckily as fate would have it, the beast brought the ship to a complete standstill in the water. Then as quickly as it appeared, the squid released it's mighty grasp and vanished into the depths from which it came.But the story does not end here. The skeptics among us will most certainly question the validity of such unsubstantiated reports surrounding encounters with mythical beasts. Even more upsetting is the doubt that will cast it's dark shadow upon such encounters when an unlikely coincidence rears it's ugly head. Or tentacle in this case. The connection? I'm sure that we're all familiar with Jules Vern's classic science fiction yarn, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Remember the part when Captain Nemo's sub, the Nautilus is attacked by a giant squid? It just so happens that the recent attack of said giant squid took place during the running of the Around The World Jules Verne Trophy race, in which Mr. Kersauson was a participant. Purely coincidental? Maybe. Maybe not. One of the big differences between the two encounters was that Captain Nemo and the crew of the Nautilus knew all about giant squid and had received substantial training in how to deal with them in a panic situation. Only time will tell if the story is true or just another yarn fabricated by a sailor that spent too much time alone at sea waiting for a puff of wind. I'm of the opinion that even though it involves a blow boat, the story is true.
If nothing else comes of this story, at the very least it should heighten public awareness that this is a situation that boaters should be made aware of and given the tools and training necessary should they ever find themselves left to suffer the same fate. I just hope that if I ever see a giant squid trying to climb my boat aboard, I will have the tools and training needed to dish up the best calamari in the world. Even Better than Jules Vern could make !!!

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Is It That Time Already?

Boat Show Etiquitte 101

After a year of waiting, it is here again. It is time the duty of all boaters to put aside any and all obligations that might interfere with the almighty Boat Show. Landlubbers will never understand the feeding frenzy that is created by those two simple words. Whether you are a seasoned pro or a newbie to the game, there are always a few pointers worth brushing up on. There are countless periodicals that offer some very sage advice in your search for that new boat yet at the risk of appearing to be overly smug, I have yet to see any advice that deals with the unspoken and subtle nuances of surviving boat shows. Until now. 1. Always bring gummy bears. You heard me. Yes salesmen are there to answer questions, but for those times when they don't know when to quit, encourage them to eat your gummy bears. That will buy you a few minutes in which to make your getaway.

2. Rent a tux. Never smile, look like you're deep in thought and say "hmmm" a lot. All other customers will suddenly become invisible to the sales people. A red carnation will really push you over the top and you will never be asked to remove your shoes in order to climb aboard. 3. One of the most common questions asked of prospective buyers is whether or not they will be trading in their current boat. Many a sale can depend on how much you can get for your trade. Whatever you do-I cannot stress this enough, never ask how much you can get if you trade in your wife as well. You might get top dollar but I guarantee it will be a very long cold walk home. Plus you'll never own any boat ever again. 4. Another important piece of advice regarding your spouse's feelings. It might be the perfect boat with a price lower than an ant's belly but if the salesperson happens to be a bubbly blond bimbo you'll never own it. Talk to men only. Remember the golden rule: Happy wife=shiny new boat. 5. There's always money to be found somewhere. Your kid's college fund? Why not? Higher education is definitely overrated and with tuition costs spiraling out of control, you'll never have enough money to send them to college anyway. Buy the boat. 6. Salespeople, the good ones anyway, are keenly aware of body language. This will work to your advantage. A checkbook should protrude conspicuously out of your front pocket. Note: It should be a phoney one-never bring real blank checks. To the astute salesman, this screams "ready to buy". Once again all other potential buyers will vanish. 7. Buying a boat starts at home. You have a year to plan for the next boat show season so start the planning early. Be a little nicer to your spouse. Flowers for no reason, a romantic dinner (don't overdue it). These things will give the illusion that you are acting out of love. When it's show time, your kindness will have had its subliminal effect. Sneaky? Of course, you're a guy remember? 8. Even though it seems to defy all logic, if you have little kids, bring them. You'll need some time by yourself away from the non-stop drone of a salesperson to give a boat a thorough exam before you buy. Now those little tikes can finally earn their keep. Ask the salesman to watch them for a minute-of course he will if it means a sale. After a couple of hours the little rug rats will have broken down the best salesman to the point that they will give you the boat if you will just leave- and take the little ones with you. As with any sage advice, not all of these pointers will work for all people, in every situation, all the time. Pick a few and adapt them to your situation and personality. But do be careful. Buyers might not be the only ones reading this!!

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Copyright The Powerboating Tribune. 2005 - All Rights Reserved.